So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
