one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
