Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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