Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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