new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
