My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
