she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
