We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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