umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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