I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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