Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
