my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
