U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
