I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
