it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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