the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i came on her dog
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
