There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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