Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
