Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize