i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize