Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
