On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
