and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
