I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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