fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
