Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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