Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
