I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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