I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
