Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize