at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
