well I can't set my house on fire every night
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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