A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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