Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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