i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
