hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
