you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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