I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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