the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You left your phone here
Wait...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
