its not stalking. its research.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
