Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
