its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
