i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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