I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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