i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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