and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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