the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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