i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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