i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you didnt know i had herpes?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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