i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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