I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
