He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize