I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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