why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
