There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
