There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
