You can't motorboat a personality
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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