At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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