Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
