Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Randomize
