My liver just broke up with me...
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
