FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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