This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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